The Grandparents guide
New Mother, New Grandmother, the relationship rollercoaster
The birth of a grandchild is a cause for celebration. But when a child becomes a parent themselves, existing family structures are radically altered. Old tensions between parents and their adult children may come into sharp relief, while new relationships with in-laws must be navigated carefully.Family psychologist Terri Apter explains why love across generations isn’t always easy - but is certainly worth the effort.
How does a new grandmother feel – and why?
‘Grandma swoon’ describes the common experience of falling in love, at first sight, with your grandchild.
Each kind of love has its own set of brain chemicals, and the whoosh of love for a child is normally associated with the high oxytocin levels in new mothers.
A less familiar fact is that when grandparents engage with an infant, they too experience a rush of this so-called ‘cuddle hormone.’
How does a new mother feel about her own mother – any why?
When Chrisy’s first child was born, she experienced a deepening bond with her mother:
‘I see how important families are. I now get just how much parents love their children. To think she had these feelings when I was born There’s a new connection between her and me, and now both of us have this bond to my son.’
Like so many mothers, Chrisy is overwhelmed by this connection and finds a sense of deep comfort in her mother’s engagement.
But why is it not all plain sailing?
This cosy trinity – mum, grandma and newborn – is all too easily broken by the stresses that come with caring for a baby.
Chrisy’s mum, Faye, discovers that her parental wisdom is often rebuffed in those early newborn days. ‘He’s over stimulated. Time to put him down and dim the lights,’ she advises. Immediately after making this comment, she sees, to her surprise, that her daughter’s face tenses with an irritability close to tears. This is all too familiar from those adolescent years when ‘everything I said annoyed her.’ Why, now, does her well-intentioned input misfire?
As a grandparent draws on her wider experience of parenting, she may be unwittingly disrupting the intense mother/baby unit. Mum and infant are so intricately engaged that psychologists describe their focus as a ‘dance’, with each partner exquisitely responsive to the other. Essentially, a new mum is laser focused on getting smarter about the most important thing in her life now: the needs of her baby.
A grandparent’s ‘expert’ interpretation can be both an unwelcome distraction and a reminder of how much she still has to learn.
Of course, the new parent’s fatigue doesn’t help the mood either.
And what about mother-in-laws?
An annoying mother is one thing. We all know what it’s like, and most mother/daughter pairs have learned to ride these ups and downs by the time they become grandmother and mother. It’s a different and more difficult story with the mother-in-law.
Occasionally new mothers tell me they prefer the company of their mother-in-law, because there is less baggage between them.
Far more common, however, are complaints about the stress of ‘being nice’ and the feeling that an argument with a mother-in-law would cause a permanent rift.
Differences on how to care for baby can feel more like clashes than points of discussion with a mother-in-law. Frequently, when a new mum ‘loses it’ with a
paternal grandmother, she finds that her partner does not always step in to help. ‘I’m not sure whether he’s cowardly or oblivious,’ one mum remarked.
Introducing
Grandparenting - on Love & Relationships across generations
Terri Apter’s new book Grandparenting: On Love and Relationships Across Generations is out now: